Mob storms US Capitol as Donald Trump accused of ‘coup’.
Deccan Herald – AFP, Washington, Jan 07 2021

President Trump, whose sometimes erratic behavior in office has generated an unprecedented debate about his mental health, declared that he was perfectly sane…
The New York Times, January 6, 2018

This is not a blog about Trump. You might think so, since he shows up with alarming regularity. And yes, Trump should have appeared only after a decent interval. But his ‘I won, they cheated’ speech incited a misled mob to attack Capitol Hill. So here he is again. If only someone had taught Trump the do’s and don’ts of Presidenting, things would have gone so much better. Someone like past Presidents, perhaps?

So this is all your fault, Ex-Presidents!

For the past several years, most sane people, and a few insane ones too, have agreed – President Donald Trump has been totally ‘un-Presidential’. His personal policy of offend-without-thinking, blurt-without-blinking, had left the nation with a sinking feeling. When international leaders visited, they wondered if they were being punked on a new reality television show, ‘Presidents Say The Darndest Things’. Kim Jong-un was ‘Little Rocket Man’, a professional athlete who silently protested during the national anthem was an ‘s.o.b.’, negative polls were ‘fake news’, global warming is fiction – Donald’s outspokenness ranged from racist to sexist, with a lot of un-presidential ‘ist’s in between.

But what could have been done to make him more Presidential? Could we have debugged his psycho-software or defused his ego-programming? The blame, of course, lies entirely with the ex-Presidents of the USA. If only Trump had been coached by experts who had already been-there and done-that… After all, past Presidents wore their leader-of-the-free-world mantle with grace and panache. They could have taught The Donald a thing or two about how to wing it in the West Wing, and how to be fair and square in the Oval Office.

And this is probably how our tutoring mentors would have imparted great wisdom and knowledge to our intern Trump.

At home on the range at a sprawling Texas ranch, George Bush Sr., the older and wiser Bush, smiles at novice Trump. “What’s Presidential? Teddy Roosevelt aiming his rifle at a grizzly was presidential, but Dick Cheney shooting his friend in the face with a shotgun was just the opposite. Kennedy’s boyish smile was presidential, but Michael Dukakis’s grin was not (that’s why he lost and I won). Washington’s ‘I cannot tell a lie’ was truly Presidential, but Nixon’s ‘I am not a crook’ – not at all. But a word of advice, whether you are presidential or not, you still need an ace up your sleeve in case your performance ratings slip up or slide down. A nice little war, preferably with a nice little dictator-run country in the Middle East, that’s a sure-fire ratings booster…”

Bill Clinton welcomes Trump with a knowing wink. They have a lot in common, these two – men of the world who have survived scandal-fueled media blitzes. And of course Clinton could teach him a thing or two about public relations, public speaking and unwanted publicity. But if he really, really likes you, Bill will teach you his super specialty… three-letter words beginning with ‘S’ and ending with ‘X’. For instance, who could deny he is a great tenor SAX player whose music could mind-soothe, nerve-calm and put you in the mood? (That would be the Presidenting Mood, of course.) Or if you want to adopt a cat named SOX, Bill could tell you a thing or two about training felines to purr pleasantly and play cat-and-mouse games with rightwing rodents. When sax and sox don’t help chase the blues away, Bill could teach you a fun drinking game that involves SIX packs of beer and bad boy bonding behavior. But if the Presidency is still dull and boring, there’s always good old fashioned SEX. “Ah, the ladies you get to meet as President! But a word to the wise, stay away from young interns, that will land you in a crisis of presidential proportions.”

Actually, George W. Bush might not be asked to participate, but he would still have a few words of non-wisdom to contribute. “It’s tough being presidential, people always misunderestimated me. Tell you a secret, I was not always the decider in national matters – the wife, who reads books by the way, helped a lot with presidenting ideas. Keep in mind that ‘our enemies… never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we’. And importantly, before declaring war on a country, make sure they have weapons of mass destruction. On second thought, though there aren’t such weapons, things might still work out. As Daddy says, all’s fair in politics and oil wars. So guess it’s time to rock Iraq. Who’s your Bagdaddy now?
(Note – Italicized words are actual GWB quotes.)

Obama looks a little worried. “Presidential? Not as black and white as you might think. In politics, nothing is black and white, it’s at least fifty shades of grey. People who think they are right are usually wrong. People who are in the middle lean either right or left because that’s where the beer, bonhomie and bribes are. And those who are left get frustrated with the corruption and bureaucracy, and go start a charity. Being the first Black President in the White House proved to be such a grey area. You enter this office full of confidence and jet black hair, but very soon, your confidence sways and your hair greys. And a word of advice, order a lot of grey suits. If you wear black, you will resemble a prosperous mortician, and white suits only look good on James Bond when he goes villain-hunting in the tropics. The moral of the story is that grey is good, because it represents responsibility and respectability. So don’t make any hasty black’n’white decisions when it comes to border walls or border-line dictators.” President Obama sighs wistfully. “Sometimes I wonder if I should have just become a professional surfer in Hawaii instead.”

But what’s this? Trump has not been paying attention to our esteemed tutors. He is, in fact, skimming through a book… ‘Insights On Inciting Insurrections’.

Sadly, Trump’s presidency will not be known for his investments, but for his impeachments (two of them). Trump still insists, unfairly, that he won the Presidential election. If only he had bowed out gracefully, he would still have emerged a winner. But thanks to his unreasonable stubbornness, a lot of others have lost. A few of his hardcore followers lost their lives, the Republican Party lost its credibility and the nation lost a little of its democracy.