Between the years when the great sage Confucius scribbled his politics on parchment, and the rise of the stoned Great Wall, there was an age of fantastic feats of swords and sorcery, when shining little kingdoms carved their own histories and created their own mysteries, led by brave warlords… This was not one of those warlords.

THE CORONA CHRONICLES – Part 2

CoVid The Barbarian

And so it came to pass that CoVid became ruler of Wuhan. (Not CoVid, a futuristic pandemic, but a fat brat who had inherited the warlordship of Wuhan – thanks to a default destiny.

Dread, Wuhan’s able and stable warlord, had just died. And with no other option, his son CoVid had stepped into his extra large shoes. (Yes, it was a weird name. But Dread, an avid Confucius fan, had so named his son after a few pitchers of Wuhan wine. And who could argue with a drunk warlord?)

And just as the villagers had expected, CoVid turned out to be the worst warlord in the history of their village. For one thing, he was physically unfit for this position. He was not just fat, but rotund. Quite naturally, the good citizens of Wuhan laughed uncontrollably behind his back, since both his behind and back were broad and odd enough to tickle a variety of funny bones.

But after he became warlord, things changed. CoVid’s first law was, citizens who openly laughed at him would be openly executed. Which is why the clever people of Wuhan started wearing masks to hide their grins, giggles and guffaws. When CoVid rode into town on his reinforced chariot, they could laugh behind protective masks and not get caught. For detection would lead to detention, decapitation, or worse.

Of course, there were different masks one could use to hide merriment, but the best ones were made by the Ninjas, a clandestine group of assassins who lived on a nearby island. Now since their profession of assassinating required anonymity, the Ninjas got really good at mask making. They used different masks for different seasons and reasons. These included the two-faced, mud-on-your-face and poker-face masks. But the best mask for daily use was the Ninja 9 to 5 mask, known popularly as the ‘N9to5’ mask. Recently, there was a sudden and great demand for the N9to5 mask, after Wuhanites who wanted to hide their mirth started ordering them in bulk.

But masks did not save the people of Wuhan from the wrath of our warlord CoVid, who punished citizens in new and weird ways. Lockdowns and quarantines were imposed, so people could not leave their houses. They were not allowed to visit friends or relatives. Though this left a lot of friends and relatives quite relieved, surely this was an infringement on one’s right to be a pest. People were banned from all kinds of travel. This was especially frustrating for folks who had been planning for years to cross barriers and go beyond borders. Or at least see the other side of the Great Wall. Worst of all, children were not allowed to go to school. So for a while in Wuhan, there were really happy children, and parents in dire need of therapy.

But soon, people became restless, mumbling, grumbling and reminiscing about the good old days when CoVid had not been around. They started breaking laws and defying curfews, sneaking out to go shopping for non-essentials, and stepping out to form flash crowds just to break social distancing norms.

At first, these local rebellions angered CoVid. But he soon realized that trying to control such a huge population was impossible. And he became extremely depressed. When will he become a dreaded warlord whom people feared? He desperately wanted to know what his future was. And who could he go to, but the famed clairvoyant Cognoscen Ti, the soothsayer of Shaolin? Now though Cognoscen Ti was legally blind and unable to see what was in front of him, he could see the past and future quite clearly.

After ‘reading’ a big scroll with ancient brailled calligraphy and chanting a few incrementally incomprehensible incantations, Cognoscen Ti was finally ready to reveal CoVid’s future. In a resounding baritone voice that would impress speech therapists, the all seeing seer spoke.

“Beware the dawn of a twin year, when the name of CoVid will strike fear in the soul of mankind.”

“Twin year? So next year will be my year of terror? The Year 220?”

“No… 220 is not a twin year. And you have to be patient. Your powers will be unleashed in an unknown future.”

“So the scrolls predict I will be a destroyer, a death merchant, a punisher… riding into battle and glory?”

(A prolonged pause, as Cognoscenti re-checks the ancient scrolls, to make sure he has read it right.)
“Not so much glory. But you will be a bat b…”

“Bat-bearing bad ass? Beating enemies into the dust with my bash’n’bruise bat?”

“Not exactly.” (Mutters inaudibly) “You will be a bat borne pathogen.”

“What’s that now?”

“No, I said you will be a panda…”

“A panda, did you say? Will I be killing pandas too? I would love that, they always appear to mock me.”

“No… (sighing and still muttering under his breath) You will be a pandemic.”

“Don’t know what that is. But will I kill hundreds of people? Execute thousands?”

“Let me put it this way. You will kill hundreds of thousands, all over the known world.”

“Will people be scared of me?”

“Yes, they will cry and lament when they hear or utter your name. They will hide in their homes and isolate themselves for fear of you.”

“Sounds terrific. What else will I do? Will I lock up people who dare make fun of me?”

“I will say this. You will cause lockdowns and empty bustling streets.”

“Fantastic. Will I kill them with one blow or will I torture them slowly?”

“You will kill them slowly, keep them lingering in pain and suffering.”

“Will I get to choke a few people to deawth?”

“A lot of people will die because they will be unable to breathe, for you will block the very air that they inhale.”

“Do you have any other advice for me?”

“Yes, just keep away from soap…”

And so, in an unseen, unforeseen future, the Wuhan warlord wreaked havoc across the globe. People covered their faces and cowered in isolated places, removing their masks only to empty wine casks. Places of work, worship and whimsical pleasures were locked down. And the whole world feared the name of CoVid… Till they found a vaccine.