Liquor baron Vijay Mallya is being chased by different banks in India. Mallya, who is dubbed as ‘king of good times’, is now facing charges of conspiracy and fraud as he owes around Rs 9,000 crores to Indian banks.
– Business Insider, Nov 28, 2019

Corporate houses owe about Rs 5 lakh crores to Public Sector banks, a JD(U) member said in Rajya Sabha… “Yesterday it was mentioned that the entire amount that the farmers need to pay as crop loans is Rs 72,000 crores. The Adani Group itself owes to the banks Rs 72,000 crores,” he said.
– The Hindu, May 5, 2016

 

The Big Bank Theory – Part 1

Four Score and More Crores Ago

The Big Bang Theory tries to explain the origin of cosmic solar systems. The universe began as an extremely hot and dense superforce, with no form or structure, known as a ‘singularity’. This superforce of macro-blazing, thermo-cosmic particles and objects soon expanded rapidly, first forming atoms, then creating stars and galaxies…

The Big Bank Theory tries to explain the origin of corrupt banking systems. These unauthorized undertakings began as an extremely deceitful and dishonest superforce, with no morals or principles, known as a ‘fiduciary irregularity’. This superforce of morally-bereft, totally-corrupt politicians and bank officials soon expanded rapidly, first handing out advances, then creating galaxies of startlingly huge unpaid debts…

But wait, this theory requires proof, doesn’t it? Now thanks to one man who made crores go poof, we now have the proof. That man, of course, is Vijay Mallaya, my hero.

You might be one of those skeptics who think that Nirav Modi is a bigger and better thief just because he cheated our beloved banks out of Rs. 13,000 crores, compared to Mallaya’s measly Rs. 9,000 crores. But you see, Mr. Mallaya does his fiduciary frolicking in style. He races Formula One cars. He has a bevy of buxom beauties bottlenecking him. He is leading an entire nation on a wild goose chase. And he owns a liquor factory. In other words, he could boast about dashing races, darling faces, daring chases and dripping cases (of alcohol, of course).

What? You still need convincing that Mallaya is a better con artist? You might argue that in spite of Indian law prohibiting dual citizenship, Nirav Modi holds both Indian and Belgian passports. But Mallaya, a British resident, became a Rajya Sabha member – explain that. Despite international efforts to bring him to justice, he still remains at large, looming larger-than-life, drinking lager in a lavish mansion in the liberal city of London. So who do you think is a better bandit?

And admit it, after Mallaya’s malfeasance, you now have a better understanding of the expression ‘beg, borrow or steal’. While the average Indian begs banks to borrow thousands, our King Fisher was able to borrow and steal Rs. 9,000 crores from bend-the-rule banks. But how did he get ludicrously large loans while dirty collared workers and sun reddened farmers groan about unapproved loans? That’s because business barons like Mallaya are hand-in-love with patron politicians and officious officials. And before you could sing ‘I feel loan-some tonight’, forms are filled, filed and fulfilled.

So if you are a shady and shaky high profile businessman, your loan approval experience would go something like this.

“Greetings Sir. Welcome to our easy-approval-for-rich-businessmen department. If you are seeking a loan, seek no more. All you have to do is fill out a little form.

Ah, what form, you ask? Let me read it out for you…

Do you need thousands of crores without equal and opposite collateral?     Yes     No
Do you own jewelry stores, liquor factories or sports teams?     Yes     No
Are you a photogenic, paparazzi-popular, power player?     Yes     No
Are you surrounded by sexy models who hang onto your words and arm in public?     Yes     No
Do you have foreign passports or foreign residencies?     Yes     No
Are you planning to leave the country soon?     Yes     No
Is your last name (a) Mallaya (b) Modi (c) Choksi (d) other rich sounding names     Yes    No

If you answered YES to 3 or more of the above questions, then please take out your bubbliest bottle of champagne, your gigantic loan has just been approved. And since we are quite sure your business is booming and blooming, please don’t worry about little things like collaterals and sureties. If and when the government tries to auction your properties, no one in their right mind would be willing to repay your impossible-to-pay loans…”

Thus, in light of recent banking incidents, India has revised a few old sayings. For instance, ‘laughing all the way to the bank’, was recently changed to ‘laughing all the way from the bank’. And ‘he who laughs last, laughs best’, has been changed to ‘he who has taken out large loans and gone west, laughs best’.

On cold winter nights, when the winds of unchanging poverty blow through hungry villages, farmers who are dejected because their loan applications were rejected, tend to sing an increasingly popular chant,

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day
Teach a man to fish and you give him feed-for-a-lifetime power
Lend money to a Kingfisher and he won’t repay
Our sneaky Kingfisher man, he will cheat you forever.

References

Cartoon – from Times of India, Feb 21, 2018
https://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/city/bengaluru/cm-bjp-wage-twitter-war-over-pnb-bank-scam/articleshow/63009729.cms

Vijay Mallaya’s loans
https://www.businessinsider.in/this-is-how-much-vijay-mallya-owes-to-different-banks-in-india/articleshow/58243382.cms

Corporate loan default
https://www.thehindu.com/news/national/adanis-debt-equals-to-entire-farm-debt/article8560896.ece